My New Best Friend

  

    It was a crappy day, I mean the worst day ever. There is no way I can describe to you the level of effed up this day was and you know me, I only curse when absolutely necessary. Let’s see, first the hot water got cut off in the middle of my morning shower. I had just fully lathered up my shampoo when icicles began to hit me in the back. I tried to duck, run, I don’t know something and I slipped. I tried to grab onto the shower curtain for support, but it ripped right out of the hooks and I fell hard, hitting my face on the faucet on my way down. So, I had only been awake for about ten minutes and there I was, laying naked with freezing cold water pounding on me, shampoo and blood in my eyes and a blinding pain in my head. You’d think this would have been enough bad luck for one day, but that was not the case.

    
    When I got to work my boss reamed me for almost an hour, for missing a deadline that I really had no knowledge of and I swear she made up just to have an excuse to make my life hell. Then for the remainder of the morning she took every opportunity possible to shoot me her best dirty looks.  She’d done this type of thing several times over the past few months and all I could do was wonder why today out of all days did she feel the need to do so again? Not long after my hour long butt chewing my ex decided to go bipolar and harass me via his new smart phone.
   
    When I took my twenty minute lunch hour to grab a bite to eat, my bank card was declined for $7.50.  Really $7.50? I know I am bad at managing money, but I am sure I’d know if I had less than $8.00 to my name, so I called the bank and learned that my account had been hacked.  What next? I wondered as I walked back to my office hungry and broke with my head still pounding and totally pissed off.  The second half of my work day consisted of more dirty looks and phone abuse. A few hours later when my work day was finally done, I left the office only to find my car being towed. I tried to reason with the tow truck driver. I begged him not to take it. I stomped my feet and everything and when I did I broke the heal off one of my boots and they were not cheap! Breaking my boot was the tip of the camel, no..  the final iceberg, the straw that broke my back! What the heck ever! In one pocket was my phone that was buzzing non stop. In the other was the loose change that the tow truck guy let me collect out of my center console, which was probably only about fifteen dollars, but weighed like a thousand. I was standing there in the rain soaking wet on one intact heel with mascara running down my face, a black eye and pounding head. I needed booze in a very bad way.

     I started to walk. I passed the salad and pizza joint where I had bought my lunch almost every day for the past three years and took a mental note not to ever go in there again after the embarrassment I had suffered earlier in the day.  As I limped, I passed a few department stores and various eateries, then finally, a bar! I thought I was going to have to hobble on one heal for miles before I found one. As it turns out, Wet Willies is just a few blocks from my office.  I wondered why I hadn’t ever heard of it before, but in that moment I wasn’t gonna dwell on it. Like I said, I needed booze and fast.

I pushed the door open a little harder than necessary and headed straight for the bar, sat in the nearest stool and motioned for the bar tender.

“What can I get ya gorgeous?”  He asked.

“A shot of rum with a rum and coke to chase it please.” I mumbled as I was thinking, Gorgeous? Really? What is he on?

“Bad day I take it.”

“Let me just say that there is no possible way it could be any worse.”

“I’ll pour ya an extra shot, don’t you worry, it’s on me.”

“Thanks.”

As the bartender walked away to get my drinks I wondered why was he so shiny? The thought quickly left my mind when the stabbing pain in my head returned. It had been coming and going all day as if there was a tiny man inside my head trying to drill his way out through my left eye and of course, he had to take breaks just long enough to tease me.

I decided to try and ignore it for the twenty-ninth time that day and bend down to get a good look at the damage I’d done to my boot.  I broke the heel off the other boot and just as I was sitting back up, someone sat next to me.

“Pssstt, Hank, iz dat you?” It Slurred and in that moment I realized that the smell of alcohol that lingered in the air was not coming from the bar itself, it was coming from this guy, woman, I don’t‘ even know the correct term.

 By then my drinks were in front of me, so I took my first shot and stared in complete bewilderment and before I could even reply I heard,

“ Wow, that sure is a nice wig Hank. A little wet though.”

Seriously? Did this person really think that I was Hank with a wig?  The worst day ever had just officially gotten worse.

“You must be using that new cream that Mona recommended. Your skin looks amazing.”  He said and followed with a belch.

“Excuse me, but my name is not Hank and I don’t know anyone named Mona.” I say in my snottiest tone. Then I take my other shot.

“Oh ya, Ooops sorry, I mean, Harriett.  How do you like my dress? Does it look like a good fit? The cotton feels so good next to my skin and the lace on my panties, one word, heavenly”

Then for the first time since I walked into the bar, I took a moment to look around at my surroundings. To my left are several men and women all dressed in leather dancing together on a small stage. As I scope the room further I see same sex couples enjoying each others company, some a little too much and my shiny bartender, well he wasn’t shiny at all. He was sparkly. Every inch of his exposed skin was covered in body glitter. I wasn’t even gonna entertain the part of my curiosity that wondered what was going on under what little clothes he was wearing. Was this really happening? The discovery of a bar within walking distance of my office, the one tiny light that came out of the whole day, my new favorite place was a gay bar? My day had just officially gotten even worse than worse.
At that point I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, so I just took a huge gulp of my rum and Coke, asked the shiny bartender for another shot and played along.

“Yes the fit is perfect.” I say  “Where did you find such a lovely dress?”  This poor man, his dress looked like a curtain in my grandmothers house and his boobs were almost up to his neck and lopsided. It could have  been due to the fact that he was leaning so far to one side that he could barely sit on his stool, but I was not gonna do the research.

“I have to tell you the truth, ever since the first time I put on my wife’s bra I have been completely happy. I sometimes wear her underwear underneath my slacks to work and I feel so, so I don’t know, alive. I know my confidence has boosted. You know that  promotion and raise I got last month? Well I owe it all to my wife’s purple lace thong.”

“Aren’t you worried that the wifey will notice that you’re wearing her undies?” I asked out of honest curiosity.

“Boy oh boy Ha… ah… Harriet, ya, she almost caught me last week. I forgot it was Friday and she was feeling ya know, frisky?”

There was that pain in my head again, effing little man find your way out already!

“Oh ya, she wanted some Friday night lovin did she?” I say as I motion the glittery man for another shot.

“Ya she’s an animal on Friday nights, but I was able to excuse myself to the john and slip them off before she noticed. She’s an animal my wife, sometimes I don’t even know what hits me and on Friday nights and Sunday mornings, she has her way with me before I even know what’s going on. She can’t get enough of me. Poor thing, she gets so wore out that she has headaches for the rest of the week.”

“ So friend. what are you calling yourself these days and what are you drinking tonight?” I ask in a giggle.

“Gutter ball just like always, …it’s what we always drink.” He looked at me with a very confused expression and blurts,  “Wait. You‘re not Hank at all! Who are you and why are you pretending to be my buddy Hank?”

Then, at that very moment I heard something that cleared my head and made me feel as if the sun was shining down directly on me. An all too familiar voice yelled, “Albert! I knew I’d find you in here!”
 My boss came storming toward us and grabbed my new best friend by the ear and she was livid. I heard an all to familiar tone in her voice when she screeched, “I told you last week that you better not ever step foot into this place again! Get your bag, I am taking you home!”

Then boss-lady and I made eye contact and I smiled beautifully at her. I kept smiling big and bright as the look on her face changed from anger to pure embarrassment. The little man in my head flew out through my ear, I decided that my $250 boots looked much better without the heels and  I joined the folks in leather on stage and danced my troubles away, but not before I heard boss-lady ask Alberta, “Why are you wearing my mothers nightgown!?”